Saturday, October 11, 2008

Prayer Changes Things

I was rereading some of my journal entries from past years. It was interesting to reflect on where I used to be, how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go. I know it may be hard to know what God's will is and to answer it. At least it was hard for me. Hearing it wasn't too hard, but answering it was difficult. I'd like to share excerpts of 2 journal entries with you.

Dear God,
My life feels so ideal, but yet I feel so lost. I have a great job, but yet I don't feel like I'm inviting God into my life or my decision making. I made a Big step when I went on retreat. I told all the people there I wanted to become a nun, but now I've retreated back into a black hole that I've made for myself. I want it to be a secret from lots of people. I'm more to myself - withdrawn. I want to be close to God, but I want to keep my relationship with God separate from everyone else. I'm lost. I can't give myself over to God. I still have fears and worries and I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of them. . . . It worries me and literally wears me out. Everything takes time, patience and more than anything else prayer. We must pray for the things that we are scared of so that God will give us strength and lift us up. I think that I'm afraid of prayer and its extreme power. When I pray for things that I'm afraid of, I know that things will change, but I'm afraid of that change. I don't know if I'm ready for it and I certainly don't want to pray for it to come. . . I hope I'm ready when I have to face the truth, to walk the path, and live the life that I feel God is calling me to. God, I pray that you unchain my heart and help me to erase my fears and worries. I feel lost, God, and confused. Please help me. Amen.

After lots of praying, visiting Ferdinand several times, and getting to know some of the sisters, I entered the monastery in August 2001. Here's what I wrote in November.

God, I do enjoy being here. I enjoy this life you have called me to. I've been wanting to ask people if they like being a nun. I can't fathom being here as long as the other people. Just one day at a time. Right now I'm loving it. Other people are here and they're loving it. I find it all very crazy really. God, you know what you're doing. I'll just follow you. Thank you, God. I love you. Amen.

God works in mysterious ways. I look back and wonder why I fought it so much. It did take time and education for me to accept where I felt God leading me. We pray that you may be open to wherever God is leading you.

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